Fix You
by ficpants
Summary: Blair is reverting back to an old bad habit...luckily Dan seems to be able to help her.


**A/N: Okay, this is kind of a darker fic but I wanted to try something a bit different. This also takes place before The Princess & the Frog where Chuck becomes crazy and (IMO) incredibly abusive. So this isn't the cray cray Chuck here. Let me know what you think please! And as always, I own nothing but the words below.**

**P.S. The title comes from the amazing Coldplay song of the same name. It's beautiful!**

* * *

><p>She wasn't sure how she got here. She was no stranger to this slippery slope, but she didn't know how she had gotten here. She wasn't sure if it was stress of school, losing an internship at W, an estranged relationship with Serena, struggling with her feelings with Dan Humphrey of all people, and the ever suffocating pressure to be with Chuck Bass, but she knew what she was doing was dangerous. It was bad. If anyone found out, it would take a lot of damage control to sweep it under the rug in the way only the elite of the Upper East Side could. It was hardly scandalous, but she wouldn't be able to deal with the embarrassment, the pitying looks, the hushed whispers.<p>

It was easy to hide during parties, where guests mingled and hor d'ourves were passed around freely and she could nurse an entire champagne drink the whole night. Even when Penelope or another one of her minions propose a toast, she's very careful not to drink all of it even though Penelope usually downs her glass quickly and scurries off to find more. Penelope had a lot of issues; issues that she didn't share with anyone else. Blair could see the loneliness in Penelope sometimes, but she didn't know how to help or deal with it. Instead, she smiles politely even when she dictates, knowing that Penelope would deal with her problems by drinking later. It was a very Upper East Side thing to do, drowning your problems in alcohol. It was almost socially acceptable to be a drunk so long as you had enough money to stay in the elite circles. She preferred a different way of dealing with her problems.

She hadn't seen Serena in a while, hadn't talked with Dan in a while, and she was just trying to stay away from Chuck in general since he still seemed like a crazy person in trying to get her attention.

Instead, she found comfort in chatting with Eric or Nate. Nate had been her first love, it felt so natural whenever they talked. And Eric reminded her of Dan sometimes so it was comfortable talking to him, though she wondered why she had to suddenly fill this empty Humphrey-shaped space in her life. She had always thought of Eric as the little brother she never had, and unlike Serena, he didn't hold petty grudges against people who didn't deserve them. She stuck with Nate or Eric during the endless parties and events Serena and Chuck had chosen to skip out of and ignoring Dan whenever he happened to show up to one of these social functions. When Nate and Eric would inevitably wander over to mingle with Dan, Blair would move away and worked on charming the hosts or hostesses and the people of influence. She debuted many an Eleanor Waldorf original dress during these endless functions, being engaging and the perfect societal daughter.

If she happened to eat some food at these parties, she would be very careful in getting rid of it. The sit-down dinner charity events became the bane of her existence, but she took special care that between she left an event and the time she arrived back to her place, she would get rid of it. She was careful not to ruse the suspicious of her driver or Dorota; she couldn't trust anyone.

A month later, when Serena whirls back into Blair's life and begs for her forgiveness, all Blair could think about was how hard it was getting, balancing all these feelings and secrets and how much more careful she'd have to be. She loved Serena, and the blonde had already apologized enough, but Blair knew that Serena would see right through her and the last thing she needed was Serena's sympathy. The blonde had emphatically added that she would support a relationship between Blair and Dan, romantic or otherwise, and Blair shuddered at that thought...while using it as an excuse not to eat. Since then, Blair had carefully scheduled her Serena time around meals, which Dorota found odd. She then created numerous errands for Dorota to run, mostly useless ones but ones that would leave Blair alone for most of the day.

These were the lengths she would go through to conceal her secret shame. She didn't want to continue doing this but it was spiraling out of control, coming back with a vengeance and on one hand she didn't want people to know but at the same time she knew she needed help. She had isolated herself effectively enough though that there wasn't any anyone there to notice her pain. Even if someone did, they would just assume Blair would hide it in a haze of alcohol as everyone else did.

Fruit and vegetable smoothies kept her from starving, but the endless Upper East Side party circuit was starting to wear her down. She had tentatively started to talk to Dan again, finding that it relaxed her a bit, but she still kept him at arm's length. There was no need to start hanging out again since they both had vehemently agreed that the kiss meant nothing. Blair had lied though, and she was sure Dan had too. That wasn't something Blair could deal with right now on top of everything, so she just tried to push it aside. She could feel everything building up though, a crescendo to a forte she was dreading. She couldn't avoid eating completely, but it had gotten to the point where she was throwing up everything but the smoothies.

It was scary how good it felt every time.

Of course everything came to a head at a party, and it wasn't one that Chuck Bass was holding for once. Instead, it was party hosted by Anne Archibald. Blair was puzzled to see Rufus there, Lily had been encouraging him to spend more time at these events but she knew Rufus would rather stay with Lily over anything. It was exquisitely romantic. Still, Rufus had come to a few events and was here now with all his son and step-kids in tow, even Chuck. She knew this display was because Lily wanted to save face with Anne especially, and there was no better way than to flaunt the fact that she still had a husband and a family. Upper East Side politics could be exhausting, but Blair appreciated the fact that Rufus was willing to bear it for Lily. He was even smiling and mingling with guests properly and perfectly with the same amount of politeness and charm. Everything was going well until Anne announced her engagement to some aviation legacy named Gregory Yorkle and using it as an excuse to make not-so-pleasant digs at the Van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey household.

If she wasn't such a bitch who was making an embarrassing spectacle of herself, Blair would appreciate how diabolical Anne was, using a fortuitous occasion to bring other people down. Anne called out Rufus as a gold-digger who Lily would dump as soon as someone rich would come around, Serena as a drug-addicted tramp who had multiple STDs, mocked Eric for never being able to get married in New York and said he was a disgrace to an already-dysfunctional family, said Dan was so irrelevant he should kill himself, and called Chuck a pathetic orphan who didn't belong in the Upper East Side anymore.

Rufus had recovered quickly and told Anne that she was wrong about all his children, even surprisingly defending Chuck. "And even if Lily dumps me," he had continued icily, "at least we had a real love that you will probably never experience because you are the one who's completely pathetic."

He had then graciously stormed out, Serena following him closely behind trying to comfort him. Chuck then unleashed an expletive-filled speech about how he had a family now and that Anne was a washed up socialite and a tacky whore. Where that last part came from, Blair didn't know but it was amusing to watch Anne visibly deflate as Nate gave her a disapproving glare and left with his best friend. The atmosphere of the party visibly shifted as a few more people trickled out, those who were so embarrassed by Anne's behavior they wanted to distance themselves.

"I need a drink," Eric announced to Blair, appearing with Dan. "If she's going to insult us, we might as well celebrate by drinking her alcohol. Or steal a couple of bottles of champagne and some hard liquor."

"O-okay," Blair said, edging towards the food buffet. "Let me eat some more food first, but you guys start drinking, I'll catch up."

Dan tilted his head and fixed Blair with a look that she couldn't decipher."You know, you don't have to drink with us."

"It's fine," Blair said irritably, before making her way over to the food. She grabbed a plate and hesitated at all the options in front of her. She wasn't sure when she had become so afraid of food, but the trays of sumptuous meats and carbs seemed to mock her until she pushed through all the alarm bells and voices in her head and started to pile food onto her plate. As she sat down, she looked at food and tentatively ate some. After a few more bites of steak, she started to get a panicked feeling until she abandoned her food and snuck into Nate's room to throw up in his bathroom. She didn't even need to stick her fingers down her throat anymore, she had perfected it to the point that she knew how to throw up whenever she wanted.

As she swished Nate's mouthwash around, she hated her reflection in the mirror.

When she stepped back outside, she ran right into Eric and Dan again, both looking considerably buzzed, or even tipsy in Eric's case. After announcing he had asked a driver to pick them up in two hours, Eric immediately shoved a champagne flute at her while dragging her into the kitchen.

"You don't have to drink that, you know," Dan whispered in Blair's ear as Eric pulled her, moving to grab the glass out of her hand.

Blair shot him a defiant glare and downed it immediately as soon as they set foot into the kitchen. The small amount of alcohol hit her like a ton of bricks and she immediately felt queasy again. She tried to shake off that feeling by convincing herself that she just needed a bit more alcohol.

"More, more, more!" Eric chanted as he popped open another bottle. She had never pegged Eric as much of a drinker but she figured that the stress of Lily's trial and after being criticized that night for being gay gave him more than enough reason to take his anger out on Anne Archibald's liquor stash.

As the party went on outside, Blair felt herself getting more and more hazy as she, Eric, and Dan continued to drink. They drank more and more champagne and even did a few shots while munching on leftover food in the kitchen, going completely unnoticed. Five bottles of Dom Perignon and shots of vodka later, Eric proposed a final shot of the premium tequila he managed to swipe from Anne's private liquor cabinet.

"There's nothing like some extra anejo tequila to cap off the the night," Eric slurred, pouring it into their champagne flutes, the tequila splashing over the counter tops. Blair was so beyond drunk she could barely stand up but was having more fun than she had in a while. Ignoring her body's protests of no more alcohol, she downed her final shot. All she knew was that she had never felt so free in her entire life, as if she were free from the chains of her bulimia and be able to eat and be happy.

Eric stole the $2000 bottle of tequila ("A very happy 250 anniversary to Jose Cuervo indeed!" he had shouted), Blair stole another bottle of champagne, and they had even persuaded Dan to steal a bottle of fine vintage wine before the trio managed to sneak out unnoticed. She couldn't remember much of the ride home, except Dan had left her side briefly to make sure Eric was okay before escorting Blair back home and upstairs. She had laid on his shoulder, laughing and giggling (about what, she had no idea) and felt fine...until the booze and the food caught up to her.

The next thing she knew, she was hunched over the toilet while Dan was holding back her hair as she threw up the alcohol and food. How she managed to drink all that without losing consciousness, she would never know. After she was done, she collapsed on the floor next to the toilet, closing her eyes. She vaguely felt Dan leave and wallowed briefly in misery before she realized he had come back, wiping her mouth with a wet towel and handing her a glass of water. She drank it quickly, too exhausted to care about the bitter taste in the back of her throat. She closed her eyes, feeling nauseous again.

"Why are you here?" Blair said blearily.

"Friends are supposed to be there for each other," Dan said simply.

"We're _not_ friends," Blair sighed, slumping against the toilet. She felt awful as the buzz of alcohol stayed with her. She just wanted to roll into bed but she couldn't muster up the energy.

Dan was silent for a while. "This isn't the first time you've thrown up today, isn't it?"

Blair closed her eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You looked perfect before, Blair. I don't know why you'd want to change that."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Blair grumbled again, crawling to lay her head on the floor again. She was slightly startled as Dan carefully moved her so that her head was on his lap instead of on the cold floor but she didn't protest.

"I've been watching you," Dan said softly.

"That's not creepy at all," Blair snapped sarcastically, wincing at how loud her voice had become.

"You don't eat during these parties, and even when you do you make a beeline for the bathrooms," Dan continued, his voice surprisingly holding no judgement. "I'm not stupid."

Blair closed her eyes. "It's complicated and we're both drunk. Let's not do this now."

"I'm not as drunk as you are. I actually ate some food before drinking, you know."

Blair ignored him. She felt surprisingly comfortable in her current position, even more so when Dan started to stroke her hair. She was surprised he had bothered to stay with her and even more so that he had noticed her behavior during the few parties he had attended. If it were anyone but Dan, it would be incredibly creepy but she was slightly touched that he had deciphered her silent plea for help. At the moment, she was glad Dan was here to take care of her instead of Dorota, who had the night off. Maybe Dan Humphrey, out of all people, could be the one to help her

"I'm not going to force you to get professional help," Dan said, his soft tone soothing her. "First of all, I know you'd rather ride the subway than to talk to a stranger about your feelings."

"True," Blair muttered.

"Second of all, you're Blair Waldorf. You can do anything, and I know you can beat this on your own."

Blair wavered. That was how she got into this mess into the first place, believing that it would only be a one or two time thing and not expecting it to overwhelm her. "Maybe."

"And if you don't believe the second one, the third one is that you have me. I'm going to help you with this, no longer how long this takes. I'll be here for you."

"That is exceedingly cheesy, Humphrey."

"I mean it," Dan said firmly, his hand reach over to hold one of hers. "I don't care if it takes ten years, or twenty, or even thirty."

Blair managed a tiny smile. "What makes you think we'll even still be friends in ten years?"

"I'm not going to be easy to get rid of."

"Thank you," Blair said softly, squeezing his hand.

She felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of her...or maybe it was still the alcohol. She knew that Dan's words were sincere though and she wondered if this was what it was like to have a friend to rely on. Nate had never noticed her bulimia, Serena noticed the first time but had then took off suddenly. Chuck was always unreliable, and her minions couldn't care less. If someone had told her four years ago that she would be friends with Dan Humphrey, she would have stabbed said person. Instead, he had just comforted her without being condescending, held her hair back when she was puking her brains out, and was now getting her some more water as she laid on the floor feeling both elated and gross at the same time.

She grudgingly sat up as Dan returned and obediently drank the second glass of water.

"Do you want me to help you get in bed?"

Blair nodded sadly, suddenly realizing that Dan was seeing her at what was probably her lowest point in life: a drunk bulimic with disheveled hair and makeup everywhere.

"Er...uh...do you want me to...help you clean up a bit?" Dan asked, as if he could read her mind. Really, it was starting to get irritating how well he could read her. Maybe it was starting to get creepy.

He had already seen her at her worst. "No, it's okay."

A few weeks later she wasn't sure how she had gotten here, to this peaceful state of mind. After the first night Dan had spent the night, they had spent the day together watching trashy reality shows together. He had then forced her to eat some toast along with her usual fruit and vegetable smoothies. The days wore on and just as he had promised, he was relentless in being around her during meals. He made sure they started slow, with toast and salads and soups, things that would build up her appetite slowly. At the end of the month he insisted on taking her out to a nice restaurant, with the stipulation that she wasn't allowed to go to the restroom the entire time. He had also annoyingly started to hang around her penthouse more, always making sure she wasn't trying to throw up any of her foods. If he wasn't around to make sure, he had roped Serena into being Blair's babysitter.

They had decided to try and keep Dorota out of it, though Dan had warned Blair that if she relapsed badly again, then he and Serena would tell both Dorota and her parents. There were times where she couldn't fight the feeling anymore though and both Dan and Serena were there for her, caring for her. Especially Dan. Even Nate had started noticing the attention Dan was giving her and while no one was telling him anything, he kept Chuck at bay. The four of them (and sometimes Eric) managed to stay under Gossip Girl's radar too, choosing to stay in most nights, watching movies or playing board games or learning how to cook (Nate was surprisingly good at it). It wasn't unnatural for them to all fall asleep together during their nights in, but Blair actually liked that she always fell asleep on Dan's shoulder and when she woke up his arm would always be around her. When she was with her friends, she no longer felt insecure. She finally felt comfortable enough to let other people accept her flaws. There was a difference between being independent and being isolated.

It was welcoming not be suffocated by loneliness.


End file.
